Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
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Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”