Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
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Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I have obtained a hat
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.