Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
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Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Very good news from my accountant
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.