Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
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When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
And that about sums it up.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
good work, detective
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
A little too much information.
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.