Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
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[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
no their not
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?