Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

Crying is a sign of leakness.

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

Help Wanted

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!