[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
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[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Mornin
Attacked by a mop.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Zack Greinke stories are the best
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕