Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

Me checking my bank balance online.

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.

I’m about to make it rein, deer.

(Please don’t block me.)

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

[first time]

HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?

Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!

never ask a starfish for directions

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.