[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
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I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Cats (2019)
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs