[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
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Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first