Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

Now, where’s the sport in that?

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.

Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.

George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*

George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them