Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
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Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.