Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
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Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”