Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
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FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
every college guy’s fridge
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so