Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.

All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999