Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

How it started: How it’s going:

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

Make me look younger

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine