Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

Husband getting dressed:

Me: Purple and green don’t go together.

Husband: It works for the Joker.

Me: My point exactly.

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.

6: are snakes just neck?

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead