Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

Drive like no one is watching.

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable