Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit