Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

LOL!

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

[Biker gang initiation]

Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

Had an epiphany today.

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].