dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
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me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”