dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
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If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.