Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
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Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.