Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
You Might Also Like
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
Anyone really
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to