Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:

6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.

Me: Why not?

6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.