Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

this is the greatest thing ever

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials