dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
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I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
english majors be like furthermore
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂