Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

idk what this dog had been going through but same

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”