Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
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Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?