Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!

Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”