dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
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Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
lost dog
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time