Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection