Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

An odd boast

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

This is me 🤣🤣

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.