DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
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I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE