DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
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No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Ron is short for Aaronald
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.