Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
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Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
My typo game is string.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all