Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
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According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.