Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

[etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

Yup

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.