Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

[during sex]

Her: talk nasty to me…

Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…

Her: omg so nasty

Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

this is how life feels

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]