Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps