“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
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I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
grotesque if literal: baby food
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Ironic
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive