Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

When I face a minor setback

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”