Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
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Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Lmao 🤣
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!