Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

Botany good plants lately?

Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

just left a huge legacy in there

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards