[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
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I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
respect
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Labreador
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.