[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
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Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out