Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

My dad is at it again

Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.

#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning