Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned

Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

These aliens are taking forever.

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

10/10 no notes

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!