duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
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When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I hate everything
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).