Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

I have no words

~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.