Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?

UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

bout dat hot dog summer

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.