Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

ㅤ

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

6: are snakes just neck?

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number