Duck typos.
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I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
shut up and take my money
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
we all know this pain all too well
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
Every time my phone rings
