Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.