Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend