[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
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When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Breaking news:
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
In banana years, I am bread.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape