what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
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I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one