“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
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Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*