Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.

Me [on fire]: HOW

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

[Intruder breaking into my house]

Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off

Him: Huh?

Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start

Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off

Me: *tightening karate belt* I know

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.

May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”