“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
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the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!