Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
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Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
My life is fraught with reality
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
And bowling should be called pinball
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Wait a second…
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.