Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
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[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.