Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
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My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
phew
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening