Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
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My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Shower sex be like:
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.