Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

*Seductively hides in the woods

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle