Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
You Might Also Like
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
#parenting
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.