Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
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Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
The USS B port
A great first step 😂
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I’d rather go liquor treating.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.