Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

*pushes vending machine over

NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.