Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
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“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room