Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
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(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Who says great literature is dead?
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.